Newport Rhode Island…just the name conjures up thoughts of its  world famous Mansions, the Cliff Walk, Americas Cup world class sailing, the US Tennis museum, Historic museums and Art Galleries, and of course beaches…so if these interest you…stop here and check out Fo, Fro or lonesome planet…however if you are looking for some good places to eat, drink, hit the beach and some entertaining anecdotes…read on dear reader, read on…

Cue…Train in Vain,The Clash

My college buds and I literally  came by plane, train and automobiles to gather in Newport to catch-up. It was off to an auspicious start when we checked into the Newport Marriott & they did not have our reservation nor did the Progenitor of this weekends gathering have his copy of it…however we were able to get a room. It was a beautiful spacious suite that must have been at least 250 sq feet with not one but two full sized beds…for 5 guys(50 sq ft per man…a little less than they get in Gitmo) Dumping our stuff we headed out for the night…

Cue Right for a Change, The Stand

Our first stop was Pier 49 for beers & some pre-dinner appi’s. We shared very good calamari with hot peppers, good onion rings and OK crab cakes while drinking Hoegardens, vodka tonics and one of my buds…the Nation drinking Michelob Ultras…the Virginia Slims of beer. After a few rounds and finding out our bud Doc wasn’t showing up til later(meaning mid afternoon the next day) we hit my buds old haunt The Landing at 7pm for a round while deciding where to eat…X hours later of stimulating conversation fueled by drink after drink after…we decided to check out the upstairs…

Cue Dancing With Myself, Billy Idol

Blaring loud pop crap played while we engaged in gregarious boisterous banter showering each other with love taps…I almost felt sorry for the poor Bouncers clearly jealous of our camaraderie  because they clearly saw what great friends we are..We, we band of Brothers…eventually the need for food overwhelmed the need to kick it on the dance floor…so  headed into town in search of pizza…of note…along the way we lost a man, not the same gent who fell at our last gathering in NYC…No, a new champion has taken the 2012 Down & Out title…

Cue What Sarah Said, Death by Cutie

Nation, Esquirator!!! and I wandered into Via Via Pizza on Thames. They have a plethora of slices to choose from, I had a couple of slices of the Newport(chicken, spinach, tomatoes and drizzle of ranch sauce). I’m a bit of a NYC pizza snob so I’ll say it was pretty good. Oddly enough the best looking girls we saw all night were here…in the shortest of shorts chowing down on pizza. Sarah asked if she could  join us, her friends MIA and being gents of course welcomed her. We discussed life, the universe, and everything before we went our respective ways. When we got back to the hotel we were amazed to find our bud safe and sound in bed…I was betting Street Pizza or locked up…

Interlude: Cue Big Mouth Strikes Again,The Smiths( which plays frequently throughout the rest of the weekend:)

“Arrrrg I’m hurting…oh…where’s my phone, my watch…Apollo(my college nickname, well one of them)you need to stop snoring”…”its 6am STF up…what the hell are you doing up!?! “The rest of us are married with kids idiot(yours truly) this is when we wake up…even on the weekends! Really?!? Really…because I don’t see any of your kids here…GTF back to sleep!

Cue What Happened, Sublime

At the ungodly hour of about 10am we finally wake up and head out for breakfast…and cannot find anywhere serving any…till we finally find Taqueria El Perrito serving  B-fast tacos till 11:30am! Psyched even though they ran out of Chorizo(“what the hell is Chorizo? “…”It’s Mexican sausage Whitebread”) they have jalapeno bacon…mmmmm Bacon…”I can’t eat any of this…avocado , beans…what no eggs & I need some sausage in the morning “Really..? Why waking up with 3 other guys in the room wasn’t enough for you?!?”

Cue Rock Lobster, The B-52’s

Finally after walking by countless restaurants  not serving the most important meal of the day we stumble upon Benjamin’s. Its a cool looking place with a pub/seafood shack atmosphere & has a fairly large menu. We started with their Bloody Marys which tasted great and came with a large jumbo shrimp. Two of my buds had the bacon and spinach omelet, I had their awesome  Lobster Benedict which was absolutely loaded with fresh chunks of lobster meat…the Progenitor poured so much ketchup on his food it’s irrelevant as to what he ordered. The food here is delicious, the service is great and I love the atmosphere…highly recommended…& I’m a NYC foodie snob…

Cue Walking On Sunshine, Katrina & the Waves

It’s a picture perfect beach day as we head over to Sechauest Beach aka 2nd beach…being a Long Island beach snob I still found it to be a nice little beach, while not wide from dune to shore it’s a pretty long scallop of soft sand with clean cool water (as long as you keep away from the red tide seaweed sections)with small waves for body surfing, boogie-boarding and stand up paddling. After hitting the ocean to clear our heads(chocolate milk/shake combined with jumping in the ocean…best hangover cure there is). After  working on our tans a bit Esquirator!!! suggested going for a barefoot run on the beach. The rest of us agreed “great idea…”than headed the other way to the Snack Shack for tasty beach stand chicken wraps which were fresh, fairly priced(overpriced poor quality junk-food on the beach is a major pet peeve of mine)wraps and tasty frozen lemonades

Interlude Cue Rude Boy, Rhinna( has nothing to do with incident other then the numbnutz being rude and without a clue…plus who doesn’t like a little Rihanna?:)

A Group of Chinese tourists come by…one oblivious to the line of 50 people cuts it and orders his “happy meal” while the others who try to are sent to back of the line by the crowd ..as luck would have it while looking for a table our favorite guy who lives outside the rules is eating by himself…who than has the pleasure of my friends Larry David like rant on his rudeness…later we see him wandering aimlessly along the sands like David Caradine in Kung Fu… surely on his way to commit more socially unacceptable atrocities

Cue This Charming Man, The Smiths

Our friend the Doctor finally shows up…hard to miss being a decent sized guy and wearing a Pretty in Pink polo shirt with the collar popped up…Really?!? Who than needs to go back to his car to change into a bathing suit…Seriously ?!? Yes…

At about 5pm we head back into town and go by the water for a beverage and bite(actually slurp)and hit the Black Pearl.  It’s staffed by young cute girls who for the umpteenth time I’m scolded at for “noticing ” because they are too young (read in their 20’s thus not:). I know we are in the right place when we notice that our cute petite waitress has pink sneaker laces…that perfectly match the Docs shirt. Four of us go Clam Chowda…which was great, while Esquirator!!! went Chili ..what better to order while in a room with 5 guys…We washed them down with Margarita’s and Beers…

Cue Intergalactic,The Beasty Boys

At the Doc’s recommendation we head over to Mokka Coffee…a cute little spot with very good coffee and outside seating. Here for the most part was the only time we had some semi-civil conversation( read: not verbally eviscerating  each others masculinity ) the topic being the current state of the economy and the upcoming election …I subtle as ever shared my viewpoints…On our way back we stopped by the famous Wave statue where Doc pointed out that the feet are in the wrong position…Basically…they are flat when they should be flexed…

Cue I’m a Believer, The Monkees

Heading into town we hear from the pier the one, the only, David Cassidy (Partridge Family) in concert playing a cover of I’m A Believer ” does it get any better? Everywhere we try for dinner it’s an 1 & 1/2 wait…till we pop into Benjamin’s(2nd time that day) & are told to check on availability upstairs when I notice a table in the back corner and I inquire as to it’s availability…don’t ask, don’t get. We settle down for our best meal of the weekend, starting with the seafood quesadilla and seafood stuffed potato skins while the Esquirator!!! goes fresh mozzarella and tomatoes. For entrees I go with the Striped Bass special in the orange,garlic, habanero sauce with a side of mashed skin in potatoes, the Nation goes my way while the Esquirator!!! ordered the fillet of goldfish in the same sauce. The Progenitor ordered a beautiful steak and ate next to none of it while the Doctor had the mozzarella and tomatoes for his entree. His entree…(guess who paid for that the next morning:)

Cue Relax, Frankie Goes to Hollywood(private inside joke regarding a medication that’s side effect makes your ejaculate backfire…)

From here we hit the Red Parrot where I ordered my drink of the night …the Dark and Stormy…which resulted in yours truly being informed what part of the female anatomy I am…until it was tasted, then all of a sudden “hey these are good…but your still a…”at the Rhino we listened to live Muzak & I witnessed the worst game of darts of all time…

Cue Girls Just Want to have Fun, Cyndi Lauper

There were Bachelorette parties galore and the line of the night was when a tall long legged bride to be in a short green dress walked by …”Sorry boys she’s taken” shouted by one of her girlfriends in a rather husky voice…next up the Smokehouse for some window watching and drinks …Doc tried revving us up by ordering some shots which Nation drank and The Progenitor threw…out the window…completely missing his mouth

Cue Single Ladies/Put a Ring on it mix, Beyonce

Like a magnet we were pulled back to The Landing with 3 of us hanging downstairs and 2 bopping up…Highlight being a Bachelorette asking us if we were married and  the key to a happy marriage..she receives the following advice…”Be patient and say alright a lot” followed by “Do it…a lot” and I’m not married but when I do…I clearly know who to go to…With the beverages having less then much affect 3 of us head out to Wood Fired Pizza (next door to Benjamin’s) for pepperoni pizzas which were pretty good

Cue V Thirteen, Big Audio Dynamite

About a half hour after we get in our two friends (after hitting Via Via Pizza for some za and short shorts come in…)both are very considerate though their consideration manifests itself rather differently…one crashes next to me silently while his ex-roomie from college wanted us to know they made it back safe and sound…by telling us and the rest of the hotel what he thought of us (oddly enough same part of female anatomy he called me earlier but he added in a verb) over, and over, and over again…

After another delightful nights sleep its back to where else…Benjamin’s…where at 9:45am we head to the upstairs section and are asked “are you here to just drink or eat?” Really…at 9:45am…just drink…?!? We skip the B-Mary’s and order up…the Progenitor joins me in going with the Lobster Benedict…so good…so much lobster, while the Doctor makes up for his appetizer dinner with not 1, not 2, but  3 Entrees…His pile of plates blocked out whatever my other two buds had. The upstairs is a bit fancier and has stained glass windows and outside seating…and cute girls…thus I get scolded at…again( & again in their 20’s)

Cue Pulling Muscles From A Shell, Squeeze

We hit Sechauest Beach for some more tanning, body/boogie board surfing, a brief hike and more scolding…then it’s off to the airport and train station for long teary goodbyes and ideas for our next misadventure…

Cue Can’t Wait, Big Audio Dynamite

and so it continues…

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